JOKE 1
"It's only fair to warn you Jody," he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."
"Well, since you're being honest, so will I," Jody said. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," he said. Then brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
JOKE 2
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader
of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants
to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by
the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had
never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a Cardinel
who can represent me against the leader of Israel?" "None that plays golf very
well," a Cardinal said. "But, he added, "there is a man named Jack
Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a
Cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In
addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone
agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to
play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the
result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the
golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty
terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must
have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and
purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly
miraculous." "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I
lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
JOKE 3
This guy and his wife were on the 1st tee, she stands by the red tees while
he gets ready to hit. The guy tees off and hits his wife right in the head
with the ball. At the autopsy the doctor comfirms she died for a blow to
the head. He says "but i could'nt figure out why there was a golf ball up
her ass? Husband replys "that was my mulligan!"
JOKE 4
What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Lady Di?? A. Tiger Woods
has a better driver.
JOKE 5
A guy and his wife were playing one day, and the guy slices his drive on
the 7th hole, and it ends up behind a barn, 20-25 yards of the fairway or
so, amongst the trees.
"Damn it," he says. "Now I have to chip back on the fairway and go to the
hole, and it will cost me a least 2 strokes."
Wife looks at the situation, and says "Why don't you open the doors on this
end of the barn, open the doors on the other end, and shoot through the
barn? You'd have a straight shot at the pin."
Guy says "By gawd, you may be right," opens both doors, lines up, and
swings. Ball hits the barn, bounces off a couple of trees, hits a rock, and
hits his wife right between the eyes, killing her on the spot!
After a suitable period of mourning (couple of days), he's playing the same
course with his buddy.
Slices drive on the 7th hole, ends up in the same position behind the barn.
Damn it" he says, "Now I have to chip back on to the fairway, and go to the
green, and it will cost me at least 2 strokes!"
His buddy surveys the situation, and says "Why don't you open the doors on
this end of the barn, open the doors on the other end of the barn, and
shoot through the barn? You'd have a straight shot at the pin!"
Guy says "Nah, don't want to do that. Last time I did that I had to take an
eight!"
JOKE 6
My game's been so bad lately I had to regrip my ball retriever !
JOKE 7
A middle-aged couple were at the funeral of the wife of a friend. After
speaking for a while on how lonely it will be for the widower, the wife
says to her husband, "I want you to know, if I die that it's OK for you to
remarry." The husband says thanks, that's good to know, etc., but stays
basically quiet. After a few minutes the wife starts again: "If you did get
remarried, would you and your new wife continue to live in our house?"
"Sure! It's a good home in a good neighborhood. I don't see why I would
want to move." "Well, would you let your new wife drive my car?" "Why
not?
It's paid for, it's dependable, it's a good car." "Well, would you let her
use my golf clubs?" "Of course not. She's left handed."
JOKE 8
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Joe was beginning his pre-shot
routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse
loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the
men's tee, please!"
Joe was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee
kindly back up the men's tee!"
Joe had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse
kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"