story & interview  Paolo Sedazzari
                                                                                            photos Mike Diver

Like never before, it's a fame-fixated world. But if fame is the ecstasy of the nineties, then Dennis Pennis is the man with the sniffer dog bellowing THIS IS A RAID into a megaphone.

Dennis Pennis's appearance at showbiz parties is about as welcome as an outbreak of botulism in the vol au vents. The celebrities he moves in on often laugh, but look closely - it is a nervous awkward laugh. We may love celebrities but we also love to see their discomfort. Pennis is no respector of the hierarchy, quite the reverse. He has aimed his most cutting quips at the very top of the Hollywood A-list - Tom Hanks. Hugh Grant, Demi Moore, and his antagonism of Kevin Costner is legendary...We meet the man behind the specs and the lop-sided smirk - Paul Kaye, and ask him about his background, which in this case is a lime green photographer's backdrop.

Everyone wants to break into television big-time but so few make it. So, how did you get here?

: The right person saw my video tape. Pennis started back in '89 when he was just one of those twatty characters that you come up with when you're stoned with your mates. I was in a dark Psychedelic band at the time - into Public Image and Magazine - called We Are Pleb.

What's that. We Are Pleb?

: That's right - We Are Pleb. I've got a lot of respect for bands with names guaranteeing them limited success. This TV program called Transmission wanted to interview the band, and that's how I got my foot in the door.

Paul is 31, a well-spoken, well-mannered London lad. Born in Dulwich, raised in Wembley, he studied theater design and never outgrew his fixation with punk rock.

: As a kid I was big on Lydon/Rotten. Still am. I guess that's evident from the orange hair I used to be a bedroom punk. Ruffing up my tie on the way home from school. There's a lot of that in Pennis. But he's also based on Woody Allen. I really love neurotic characters who assume that you're interested in every detail of their life. I've got a friend like that, who when you see him for the first time in two month, goes into intricate detail about the state of his teeth.

Prior to Pennis, did you have any other experience of comedy performing?

: No! A lot of stand-up comics must be out there cursing me thinking 'who the fuck is this person?' That's why I'm convinced that if you got Lily Savage on the job he'd be ten times better than me.

How did you write your jokes?

:I write the material with my friend Anthony Hines. I get a lot of the jokes out of the Penguin joke-book. If anyone buys it they'll find 90% of the last series in there. The way I like to play it is relentless. If you don't like it there's another one behind it in 0.5 of a second.



I presume the glasses are for protection? I mean what celebrity could get away with hitting a man with glasses? Has anyone ever tried to hit you?

: For sure: It was always going to be a dangerous job. I also think I get away with it because I look so vulnerable and have this pissed grin. I almost got seriously
'rapped up', as my dad would say, in Venice. This bouncer was giving it all this Good Fellas speak, 'Get the fuck out of the way asshole.' Turned out he was a taff doing a better American accent than me. By the end of three days he wanted to kill me. He told me he was going to push my teeth so far down my throat they were going to come out of my arse. I was pretty scared. One night I was doing a link when I tripped over a barrier. I thought I'd broken a finger so I disappeared into the night to find a tap. I lost the crew and met up with him in a dark alley. I thought it was going to be curtains. I became this quivering idiot whimpering something about children's BBC. Luckily for me he turned all nice on me and we went for a beer. He got quite into what he were doing and even told me when Kevin Costner was leaving.

Kevin Costner. That's one man who won't be sending Pennis a christmascard. First there was a disappearing handshake. He was livid about that. Then the follow-up pun about Costner's precious multi-million baby Waterworld, creating a new genre of movie, a grade below the B movie
- C movie. That really rubbed the sea-salt in, and Costner was left fuming and ranting, audible but off camera.

: It felt fantastic, like victory. I hate him. I couldn't sleep that night thinking, that was Kevin Costner! I don't hate many people, which is why there could be someone much better for the job. I often think I'm not vicious enough.When I do hate people it's a lot easier. I depersonalize them. When I like someone it's never that great. I had real problems with Tim Roth who I really like, I was like this cocksucker saying, 'Your performance in Resevoir Dogs was a bloody mess. Yawn!!!

Is there any celebrity you wouldn't do?

: Ian Wright - When my old man said 'Be an Arsenal fan', I complied. I'm close to religious about it, which is why I have T-O-N-Y written in biro across my knuckles. It refers, of course, to the Gunners stalwart centre-back Tony Adams.

Anyone you really would like to put the verbal boot into?

: Bary Manilow. I missed him by three seconds. I'd worked it all out. I was going to say to him, 'I'm a big Manilow fan, you're the guvnor, I think it's outrageous that you get so much stick out your nose, people should concentrate on the music. 'Really draw him in, end up with a handshake and as he walks away pull out this king-size bed-sheet from under my jacket and say, 'You've dropped your handkerchief.'

Are you worried about Pennis backlash?

: Yes, that's why I agreed to be flanned earlier today in an advertisement for Anchor butter. Ofcourse, the money was an incentive as well. In the advertisement I'm flanned by an eccentric Belgian fellow named Noel Godin who for decades has been flanning dignitaries as if to say, 'I could have killed him if I wanted to, but I'll flan him instead.' Like Pennis, only messier. He also loves puns and as a book published called Cream and Punishment.

Why did you agree to flanning?

: I could smell Live TV and the Big Breakfast obviously wanting to put a bucket of water over me. I knew I was going to get whacked eventually. So by doing it to myself today it would defuse the vigilante in people. That's what scares the shit out of me about being a professional personality. If the audience goes off Chris Evans, they go off Chris Evans. But if people start hating Dennis Pennis I can still walk away and be Paul Kaye.

For the benefit of gossip-mongers, he adds, Chris Evans' breath smelt of condemned meat by the way.

So is Dennis Pennis being laid to rest?

: The character relies on the fact that he's going to fuck off sharpish. I hope I don't outlive my welcome. He's got a shelf-life and he feels tired to me. If I do a third series, it's only because I've got freedom to do something new on modern art or go to New York and interview people at the deli.

I'm developing other characters with Anthony Hines he is developing other characters. One that has already had its TV debut on the BBC 2's Very Important Pennis - Strutter, Los Angeles lawyer. Strutter is based loosely on the Sean Penn character in Carlito's way - I was watching Los Angeles TV, and 90% of the adverts are financially orientated, all offering some kind of financial assistance, lawyers literally encouraging you to employ them to sue people.

On the cab to our respective night-spots of choice, Paul turns to dictaphone onto me. My own memory chose to delete this sequence and I only become aware of it when I play the tape back. It's painful to hear: As an interviewee I was as eloquent as Sid Vicious was on his final interview on a bed with Nancy Spungen. My memory was considerate enough not to grant me access to any of this.

To my credit I do manage to lob Paul Kaye one final question....Something I'd like you to clear up with me - a cup of coffee I split earlier. His reply is swift and professional: "You can fuck right off."