1. Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an opinion as to what is wrong. Give each member of staff an opportunity to correct the problem. Whenever possible, ALL controls and adjusting screws should be turned.
  2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major emergency, place an URGENT call for service. Fridays are best, but any time after 4 p.m. is o.k.
  3. Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what is wrong. Suggestions on how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the engineer.
  4. Hide the service history log that is found inside the machine. Make several references about the man who was here for the same problem last week.
  5. Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical questions which are in no way related to the problem.
  6. The minute the engineer arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear that you expected him two days ago. Before he can answer, ask him when the machine will be back in service.
  7. The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil and pencil sharpener shavings works well. If the machine has electrical components, add staples and paper clips.
  8. Assign a member of staff to supervise the repair, someone who has never seen or used the machine is preferable. Bad breath is a plus here and scores bonus points.
  9. Ask again when the machine will be ready. Good timing is essential and when the machine is in 800 pieces and spread all over the floor will be just grand.
  10. Be sure the machine is in a narrow passage with plenty of people passing by, each making a comment about the time the repair is taking. The lighting should be as low as possible, good engineers can work blindfold.
  11. Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the engineer is looking at the schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he's doing. It doesn't hurt to mention that you repaired the toaster last week without the aid of a schematic diagram.
  12. When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Say it should be a swell job as it took long enough.
  13. Try to get the engineer to lower the bill. They make too much money anyway.
  14. After he has gone, call his supervisor and say the machine is worse now than before. Follow up with a letter with copies to the Head Office.