From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey, from Saturday Night Live. Winning entrants are at the end:

Honorable Mentions: 

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried
under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told
him the truth that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally but I didn't
want to upset him. 

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the presidents birthday,
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people
voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long
weekends. 

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is,
I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No,
wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be
right there. 

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd
that I drive without pants.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the
astronauts found that the moon as really a big hard rock. Thats what happens
o cheese when you leave it out.

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't
you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally
wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that Ive found my dog. Then
I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff.
Dog people sure dont have a sense of humor.

THIRD RUNNER UP:
I dont know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the
wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some
tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more
desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire
and everyone died. 

WINNER:
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace
for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be, until the looting
started.