Path: mn5.swip.net!mn6.swip.net!nntp.uio.no!sn.no!uninett.no!Cabal.CESspool!bofh.vszbr.cz!cpk-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.bbnplanet.com!newsfeed.internetmci.com!206.221.240.2!abbott.tor.sfl.net!not-for-mail From: ao766@freenet.toronto.on.ca (Dark Shadow) Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.humor,alt.humor,rec.humor,rec.humor.d Subject: Too much free time here... Date: Fri, 20 Mar 1998 22:05:52 GMT Organization: Shaw FiberLink Ltd Lines: 355 Message-ID: <3524e82a.7719532@news.jet2.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: dyn-83.jet2.net Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.5/32.452 Xref: mn5.swip.net alt.tasteless.humor:2162 alt.humor:18105 rec.humor:126621 rec.humor.d:3075 X-Cache: nntpcache 1.0.6.5 (see ftp://suburbia.net/pub/nntpcache) I can understand why men don't like vasectomies. My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with Mastercard. He forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell Grizzly droppings because they have tiny bells in them. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA >Not sure about other systems, but in Baltimore County >Maryland schools, where I attended high school, the >50's were the very first sex education classes. > >Naturally, some of the teachers were embarrassed and >used only very carefully chosen words. > >In one class, the teacher was explaining the anatomy of >the male genitalia. He said, "The human male testicles >are about the size of Plover's eggs." > >A female voice from the back quipped, "Hey... Neat !!! >I've always wondered how big Plover's eggs were." > AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order" , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. "What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law". Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?" "Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises...."screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-"...and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight." Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?" The chief made the same noises..."screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z"...and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building." "Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z...from the short-wave radio." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA The Pharaoh was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping away at the stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the monarch said slowly, "a personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . . and virile . . . young men." The chips flew, but then suddenly ceased flying, and the perspiring chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your Majesty, but is virile spelled with one or two testicles?" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A letter from camp Dear Mom & Dad: We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A pastor got this note addressed to him and his wife accompanying a box of goodies from an old lady in the parish: "Dear Pastor: Knowing that you do not eat sweets, I am sending candy to your wife...and nuts to you." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BoyFriend Problems My BoyFriend 98 (a.k.a. Alpha) has that cool new "Dodge" RAM, and the new "FLIRT" (Forward Looking Infra-red Technology) feature that controls your monitor-mounted digital camera. But I think my FLIRT's tracking mechanism is buggy. When I position my camera at eye level, it slowly drops to about nine inches below my face. Of course I got the BoyFriendCustomizer option so I could lose those ridiculous bundled extras. Like the lifetime subscription to www.playboy.com, and the discount for the new SI-SwimSuitEdition release. I also dumped the silly WeekEndWarrior feature, so BoyFriend 98 won't crash a lot. I just wish BoyFriend 98 came with an "Off" setting (having BoyFriend turned on all the time is really annoying!) The support line people confessed that BoyFriend 98 has aggressive DomainAppropriation and MemoryRewrite logic. They also admitted that the CommitmentManager was still in the development phase. Caution! BoyFriend 98's VoiceMale option is infected with that deadly "Pedantic" virus. VoiceMale immediately started tinkering with my "Auto" functions. It even tried to reconfigure my "Stereo" setup! I still haven't figured out how to keep VoiceMale from hogging my "Remote" functions. PS. I posted some 411 to the BoyFriend 98 newsgroups (alt.boyfriend.jerk, alt.boyfriend.wrong, etc.) that I think might help others with their BoyFriend 98 problems. It contains home-grown code called "EgoBoost". Just apply the fixes whenever BoyFriend 98 starts to get flaky and confused. PPS. I can't complain too loudly, BoyFriend 98 handles the "TRASH" function nicely! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Let's face it -- English is a crazy language! There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being > smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a > passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final > days at Denver's Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was > canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced > travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. > He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on > this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm > sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help > these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to > work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked > loudly, so the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any > idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and > grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention > please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. > "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. > If anyone can help him find his identiy, please come to the gate." > With the folks behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at > the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F___ you!" Without > flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to > stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the people in > the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and > people were late, they were no longer angry at United. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Spread It Around! Subscribe or Submit to the Internet's elite source; Send E-mail to efreem2@alumni.umbc.edu to complement The Field Witness the Archives; http://www.alumni.umbc.edu/~efreem2 Quote of the times; "Nothing is more desirable than to be released from an affliction, but nothing is more frightening than to be divested of a crutch." -Baldwin };-> =========================================================== My Homepage - http://www.jet2.net/~jbaillie ICQ UIN - 4016080 Under United States law, it is unlawful "to use any telephone facsimile machine, computer, or other device to send an unsolicited advertisement" http://www.ca-probate.com/faxlaw.htm Canadian laws against spam: http://www.stopspam.org/usenet/mmf/laws/canada.html A service of Netizens Against Gratuitous Spamming http://www.nags.org/ http://antispam.org/ http://www.cauce.org =========================================================== .